User:Tiakall/You Have Three Years/Part 3

What the F***, Grandpa

The next morning, just as I was dragging myself out of bed and fumbling for some Diet Joja (yeah, yeah, I know, no ethical consumption under capitalism, bite me) when I heard awkward shuffling outside my door. I had it narrowed down to three or four before I opened it, and found Clint offering me blueprints to make my own furnace.

I, uh, guess you don't need to be licensed or anything to work with several-thousand-degree fire?

And then Marnie came by with a, uh....

...cat?

She claimed she found it on my property and heavily hinted it should be my new pet. This seemed like a bit of an ask from a person who couldn't keep goldfish alive, but hey, maybe this whatever-it-was was harder to kill. "So what are you going to name it?"

I'm not exactly good with names normally, let alone when I've been confronted with a weird fox-like thing (which immediately settled itself by my feet and began washing one paw. Okay, maybe a cat after all.) and then put on the spot. "Uh... Ribbons," I managed after a moment.

"Oh, that's very cute!" she said. "Its little bowties are quite cute, aren't they? I wonder who dressed it up like that?"

Given that the "bowties" in question were covered in the same fur as the rest of it and rippled around in a way that didn't seem like the wind, I didn't think these were attached by someone else, but if Marnie couldn't tell the difference between a cat and this, she wasn't going to be able to tell the difference between a ribbon and a tentacle.

She left shortly after, leaving me to retrieve my mail. Nice to know that spam was still a thing out here, too.

I don't remember signing up for this

Fuckin Joja.

After that was more work on the property, but given that the largest thing I'd owned prior was a studio apartment, I was still having a hard time grasping the scope of the property. After some thought, I did what any pro-surveillance state young person would do and looked up the Joja-map satellite view.

This... is going to take a while.

Still studying the map, I headed into town only to spot Lewis looking pensive. Unfortunately, I made eye contact before I noticed, and he began telling me the woes of the old community center, now nothing more than a ruin whose land was coveted by Joja.

Watch yourself, Lewis.

We went inside, and as I listened to him talk, I spent more time admiring the architecture. Like my house, it still had good bones. If only there were someone with some sort of city authority who could hire a carpenter to repair this. I was about to voice that aloud when I spotted something. Something small, and... adorable.

Or ninjas.

After Lewis left, I snuck back inside, hoping to catch a glimpse of the tiny adorable ninjas. No dice, but they had left something behind....

Nani the fuck?

Staring at it for a long moment, astonishingly, produced no answers, so I decided to let it rest and go see what the heck Joja had been up to in the mountains. I trusted that Joja middle manager about as far as I trusted any middle manager, which is to say less than a serial killer armed with a moving chainsaw and slightly more than an HR director.

Also, Pelican Town, we need to talk about what your idea of a 'cat' is.

I could see traces of their equipment in the quarry across the gorge. Looked like they'd literally been hoisted by their own petard, given the gorge bridge with a hole in the middle and blackened edges. Served them right.

The nearby building was locked (unusual!) but the cave nearby looked interesting. I stepped inside and came face to face with an older man with an eyepatch and ooks that I was pretty sure had snagged ladies a few decades ago (and probably still did.)

Strange men in minds passing out swords seems like a pretty awesome system of government.

The mines were dangerous, he said. But now I had a sword. I boldly went down the ladder, and came face to face with the biggest-ass ladybug I have ever seen.

WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUCK

]

Some screaming and wild slashing later, it was dead and I was scraping its loot off the floor. Marlon had been right on pretty much everything he'd said--there was some sweet stuff down here (like pickles? Where did this jar of pickles come from?) but I was going to have to fight for it.

Or answer, uh, trivia questions from a creepy statue for it.

After several floors, I reached what was clearly some sort of ancient-futuristic light puzzle. I had no idea what the solution was, so I did what any intrepid adventurer would do and stepped on panels at random until it worked.

That shouldn't have worked.

I was rewarded with a pair of leather boots, which reminded me that perhaps going into a monster-infested mine barefoot was not the smartest option. By now, dinnertime was approaching, so I headed to the saloon, which I figured was the most exciting place one could go. On the way, I spotted someone with the most amazing hair by the riverside.

Ah, so this is the guy sleeping in Hazel's clinic.

The saloon, as predicted, was full, including some faces I hadn't yet met.

Like this fine piece of art.

Things were once again quiet when I got home, even though it was well after dark. My eyes must have been playing tricks on me, I said, stumbling over a loose board as I crawled into bed. Weird cats and tiny ninjas and mine slimes and ladybugs were one thing, but monsters definitely didn't exist.

But then when I got up the next morning....

"My dearest Kalla,

I don't have time to write a full memoir, so let's just say that in my younger years, Stardew Valley was not as peaceful as it is now. During my battles, I became, ahem, close to an elven princess. This princess was given the gift of foresight. She predicted that you, my granddaughter, who would be beside me on my dying day, would be the one to inherit this farm and the will of this land. That will is necessary, for sometime in your future, dark forces will leave you in a fight for your survival--and indeed, the survival of the entire valley. I've written down the date she has given me here. I only hope you arrive in plenty of time, for she has seen that if you head into battle alone, you will die. You must gain the help of others who can develop strong ties to this farm and Stardew Valley. May Yoba guide and bless you, my granddaughter."

...

What the fuck.

What the FUCK.

I looked at the date. Almost three years to the day in the future. I had three years to figure out what the hell was coming and how to live through it. "What the FUCK, Grandpa?" I yelled to my empty farmhouse, startling Ribbons off the bed. "This place is turning into a battlefield in three years? Also, you were boinking an elven princess??"

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